Bag Lady..."Yo she got issues"

NYC!
Oh I love this place!
I love(insert slight sarcasm here) to be on the train sharing personal space and yawns wreaking of breakfast ,lunch,dinner or that evening snack..but no wait...the best are the conversations between men.Am I really eaves dropping if you're loud enough for the whole cart to hear?Right....
So as they start this spiel about how this b***h is this ,and she's that."Yo she's crazy man" ,"Yo she got issues".It sparks something in me that's not even anger ...but pity!Yes pity for the men WE are waiting for.Though they are complete strangers in this case,they represent someones something.
We make grocery lists of what we must find in THEM wherever we are.Instead( hear me out ) we may need to make a "to do list" ,a spring cleaning list.Not for home,but for our lives.
So I think about how Erykah Badu wrote this amazing song and  it sang the reality of the dilemma of many,many women today:

Bag lady, you gon' hurt your back
Draggin' all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gon' get in your way
One day all them bags gon' get in your way
I said one day all them bags gon' get in your way
One day all them bags gon' get in your way
So pack light

"One daaaay all them baaaaags gon' get in your way".Yea..what are you carrying?

What's in your bag?As Christian women ,we believe  and are raised to believe we are the creme of the crop,some what true.We are holy ghost filled,fire baptized, tongue speaking,shouting shoe wearing,Sunday fine ,clean and ANY man should be pleased to have us.Eh.... 

What's in your bag?

Are past relationships STILL so apparent and prevalent in your speech?Are you STILL so on guard because of the faults of another man that wounded you?Are you SO guarded that the real you is 10 months,5 days and 33 secs away from the "Hello" that a potential man built up the courage to say to you?Are you TOO eager?Are you just lazy?Are you needy?Are you self centered?

We have to ask ourselves as we wait ,if we are a delay.I'm not saying let your guards down ,I'm not saying,date the man who "only mama can love"(you know who I'm talking about) he's the last ONE standing and still single and everybody has told you or another woman to give him a try lol.

No.....are your bags in the way?

I had my own bag.In that bag is a messy wallet.Some have bags some have big old busted seamed wallets as bags, lol. Whatever your case or bag is called or looks like is all on you.I 'm sitting thinking about taking it a step further and digging deep.A receipt is a record of  a purchase.A HA! (we will get into that another time).Record keeping will get you nowhere ,and if it gets you where you want ,the person who you're with may have developed a hearing problem or desensitization for the issues you have. Don't be tolerated ,be celebrated.

What are you keeping a record of and holding the next person accountable for?You cant walk into Walmart with a Target receipt .It's not valid,you've just walked into a new place ,with similar merchandise but under different management.It may look the same but it's not and if you keep running into the same things and want a return for the same problems,it's not the item it's you.I digress.

My first REAL relationship showed me my fannie pack of issues I rocked on my hip.

Insecurity, "am I pretty enough"? Society has interrupted the growth of health self esteem and now I'm stuck giving him random questionnaires about the outer me ...lol Not to say that men aren't there to help affirm.Come on we don't get dressed up for other woman..lol.

Self sufficiency, I was raised by STRONG women. Independent ,raised by single mom ,street savvy,articulate and witty women.I can open my own doors and pay my own bills,and I rarely cry.If you portray a person who needs no help,you make it incredibly hard for someone to extend their hand.

This is a lot.I wonder where we stand?

The men on the train sparked all of these thoughts but ,my interactions with other women and knowledge of myself make me wonder what we give them to work with.

God is a healer and restorer,we know this.

What are you carrying ?

#imjustsayin

I Stopped Playing House in the Second Grade...

Cuffing Season is here.... Enough said.




Not really….



The concept behind Cuffing Season makes sense to me.  I mean one becomes a lonelier number at home by his or herself on a cold winters day. It's nice to have someone to ignite the passion of "love" that warms one from within while the temperature outside steadily declines. But is it real??? Or will it fade like the snow upon Spring's arrival?

I personally joke about it with my friends as I play with the idea of returning some of the advances made by members of the opposite sex. The notion of a "boo-thing" for the colder months is pretty enticing to say the least. Even so, I don't want what may start out as innocent flirtations to end up as a heartbreak. As the leaves change and begin to fall, I am trying to maintain my resolve not to fall into a seasonal relationship. It doesn't exactly help that the phone keeps buzzing. It also doesn't exactly help that I enjoy having company over when watching movies. And it certainly doesn't help that the only television that I have is in my bedroom. Yet, what's a girl to do on a Saturday night when she wants to watch a movie and her male friend is available to come over? Okay there are plenty of things I could do instead, but they don't seem as fun in the moment as option #1. But while my intentions may be on the up and up, it's impossible for me to truly account for those of anyone else. 

I remember playing house as a kid. I also vividly remember sharing an undesired, unprovoked kiss with  a boy in my class because of it. Oh, in retrospect, part of me-a small part of me- considers it innocent. I gather that he was just mimicking the activities of a husband and wife. Oh but the seven year old me was unforgiving! That was not what I signed up for when I decided to be the PRETEND Mrs. And so, I wonder what would I be signing up for today if I decide to be cuffed? And would twenty-something year old me be any more forgiving, if something unexpected happens before its time with someone possibly undeserving? If the role is taken too far, how long before I truly forgive myself?


Too deep? Possibly.

Or perhaps not deep enough.

I can't let the cooler months catch me in hibernation mode. A Lady in Waiting needs a watchful eye, common sense, and a whole lot of PRAYER!

A Bad Case of Forget-Me-Nots

Sigh! Have you ever tried to forget something, but in your attempt to forget you actually end up  reinforcing the memory? Or better yet, have you ever had random memories pop up as sudden as a hiccup? They can be totally unexpected, sometimes startling, and often times hard to shake. Now sometimes you have those really good memories that force the corners of your mouth to turn up as you allow thoughts of the past to envelop your senses. And then you have those memories that make you physically shake your head as if that will force your mind to empty out all thoughts and images of what once was. Eh! I've had my share of both, but it's odd how certain events in life can be strong that no matter how much time has passed, a brief reminder can bring your right back to that moment- sort of like gravity or a crazy magnetic pull. 

Memories tied to romantic relationships tend to do that, and I am realizing this even more clearly post boyfriend #1. While I believe our separation was in our best interest, it's crazy how my mind sometimes goes back to what was, and reminiscing can be dangerous at times. I mean memories do not simply play out the facts of what happened, but they can stir up feelings and emotions that relate to that point in time. Memories and feelings cannot be boxed up and thrown away the same way that we box up old cards, varsity jackets, and teddy bears. 

There is this song called "Curious" by Andy Mineo that came out this year, and I fell in love with the work of this artist because I feel that a lot of his music could be the soundtrack to my life. I enjoy this particular song because it first reminded me that I am:

A). Not alone
B). Not crazy
C). Human
D). Still not crazy

Even still how do I cure myself of these thoughts? Do I hold my breath? Scare myself? When I change my focus, I feel that they are gone. However, when I least expect it, there they go again. Inside jokes...  Hugs... Kisses.... Why did we break up again? Hiccup! 

It's not that I want to forget, I just don't want to remember so well- maybe exercise the kind of selective memory that will help me maintain a balanced perspective. I feel that it is important to remember what my relationship taught me, but I cannot dwell on the past. The good mixed with the not-so-good times helped develop me in ways, and I appreciate the lessons. Nevertheless, I have to move on and actually apply the lessons learned to my life. I realize from all of this that if we really take time to consider how much of an impact our memories have on our future peace of mind, maybe we would think twice about what we do and who we do it with. 

"It takes a moment to make memories-a lifetime to forget them..."
 -Andy Mineo

"You're It!"

So, I'm old fashioned. I think the guy should do the pursuing, but I'm also a woman of the 21st century where there seems to be a limited stock of the "marrying type." So before they go on back order, a girl has got to put her bid in, right? Wrong! Wrong? I'm still trying to figure out how all of this works. My faith is supposed to be in God, and I just need to be patient... There is no lack in His kingdom and what He has for me is for me. Please and Thank You! 

Nevertheless, there is still something to be figured out in the male- female hetero cycle. Who really makes the first move? I've always thought the male is supposed to make the first move (but "Pirannah-girls" are infamous for hunting a man down in a hot second). Nevertheless, I was enlightened by my Pastor, whom I have had an opportunity to observe both in ministry and his home life. He is an awesome man of God, one whom I look up to and respect.  Go figure, he shared with the congregation in a sermon that females indirectly make the first move- subtle hints related to disposition, eye contact, or presentation either encourage or discourage the male counterpart to approach. This makes me wonder what signals I'm sending out and why aren't the "right" ones picking them up? So I bounced some things off of a male friend. ::Side Bar: Every girl should have a man in their life who can give then valuable insight to how the opposite sex views things.::

Now he and I don't agree on everything but he understands my value system and what I am waiting for. He actually thinks girls should be more aggressive. I, on the other hand, think girls are a little too aggressive these days and men are actually becoming a bit lazy in relationships because girls don't require them to put any effort forth. Yes, they have a lot of options, but it doesn't mean we have to lower our standards or do all the "work" for them. I believe a guy will pursue who and what he really 
wants (regardless of timidity, status, language barriers, etc). What we have been known to do as women, lately, is tell them what they want, and what they want -or at least could want one day-is us. And most of them go along with it until they discover for themselves what they truly want. But what do I know?

Even still, I have reworked some things in my head and I find myself being more proactive in my subtle/indirect first moves. Could it be like a game if TAG?

Imagine a little girl wanting to start a game of tag. She goes up to the little boy, slaps his arm, and says, "Tag, Your It-Now Chase Me." The little boy says, okay because he appreciates the challenge. They run and run but the girl eludes him until she is tired, and no longer desires to outrun him. She surrenders-"Okay you caught me." He realizes, "Hey, I won..." What did he win? A "good thing"-a 
wife! But he didn't get to the chase, and the ensuing win until the girl told him its okay to chase me. 

She didn't say, "Here I am- TAKE ME!"

But she wasn't hidden behind some brick wall or sitting upon some unreachable pedestal. She was near enough to touch but distant enough to pursue. I get the sense that a man feels more accomplished and more invested in a romantic relationship because he had to work for it; therefore, he is more inclined to work to maintain it. The woman in that situation feels valued and desired because he pursued her. In thinking of it this way, I am putting on my sneaks to be a little more active or should I say proactive in this game of Tag. I guess all I would need to know Lord is... 

Who's it? 

Making the Band...

Have you ever been to a parade?

Me , personally...I can live without the crowds.New York is all about space invasion and I don't mean galaxy's , I mean MY space.

I digress....parades are LOUD and amazing and every single entity plays a part.The instruments play their part.The trumpet,the drums,the horns,the cymbals...oh Lord the Cymbals.Everyone has their note and if not played properly the whole band is out of wack, and instead of a sound of ONE , there's just NOISE.No fluidity,no purpose,just one note trying to find it's way back in line. Ok so before the parade,there was practice,before practice there was an audition,before the audition, there was a single soul with an instrument .

Let's talk about the band...

I was laying on my aunts couch in Virginia, having a "moment" .Yea you know ....the times you only bring up in mixed girl company after a couple of people have shared their WAY WORSE "struggles" with the "H" word.Yea I was horny and guess what?My boyfriend wasn't far.DANGER!

And what halts an "H" moment? Scripture.

Like ok God..."thy word have I hidden in my heart so that I might not sin against you"(Psalm 119: 11)...it's REAL!My stinkin' heart had scripture in it. Lol ...no seriously.His word rose up in me.

I lay there and I heard "....do not offer the members of your body as instruments of wickedness" (Rom 6:13 ).

Like plain as day,I heard Him.

Was I still horny?Yes.Was there a big cloud that came around me and whisked me away from it ?No.

All I could think of was "making the band".

Ever saw that show?Well it was a short lived few season show of a bunch of random people with great talent that had to come together and had to function as one.Differences ,struggles,likes dislikes and all.The purpose through tests,trials and differences and all else ,a band.A successful unit.

No one logically chooses a broken instrument; a bent trombone or some ranky drum with a hole in it to lead the band,nor some screechy voice chick with no rhythm.

Why?It wont make the right sound.It's whole being and purpose was to make a distinct sound when played,when chosen.

I and my body parts,are one instrument. Every time I have decided to go out side of the singular reason God created this body and use it for something else. I made the wrong sound.

I was off beat.

I was instantly convicted.Was I having sex ?No, but so what?!

I heard God ,and we ALWAYS have a choice.Ever wonder why God doesn't handicap your God given hormones  before your married?The things you go through are a test and you are tried with the purpose of being made into what He desires.It's purpose is not to ruin or cause the female version of blue balls ,but the fruits of the spirit.

What sound will you make?What sounds are you making?What does it echo into the ears of God?

I don't know if you can identify, but at that moment in time I was reminded that my body wasn't my own.

Will I ever be horny again?Duh!

Just to throw a wrench out there sometimes the perfectly fine looking instruments make weird sounds too.You could look just like that fig tree Jesus ran up on and then cursed because it had no fruit.It looked the part but had no fruit.I'd like to say it was pretending.

Ah!It will cost you !Please remember the decision you make will cost you something.

Wait.

"Dip Me, Please!"

Who doesn't look forward to the big finish of a dance? Whether you watch "America's Best Dance Crew" or "So You Think You Can Dance," you wait to see how the routines will follow through from beginning to end. If the performers end by falling flat on their face, the judges will often times brutally share their criticism. On the flip side, a strong ending could save a somewhat flat performance. Despite the outcome we enjoy watching the movement and anticipate the ending. As kids, we pretend to be fabulous ballroom dancers. Tango music comes on and we steal one of mom's tulips, stick it in our mouth considering it a suitable substitute for a rose. We then, grab a partner and begin to dance. We may have never taken one formal class, but we've seen enough old movies, television shows to know what a Tango looks like. And then the music prepares to end. Time for the big finish! "Dip me, please!"

After moving to the same ol' song and dance of life, many of us are waiting for the big finish--especially when it comes to relationships. Romantic relationships. Boy meet girl. Hand on shoulder, one on waist. Boy asks girl out. One, two. three...one two three. Girl and Boy enjoy each other's company. Spin and turn. Boy and Girl disagree. Come together and separate. Boy and Girl break up. They change partners and begin the dance again. A few moves may be added for flair, but the basic choreography is the same. We will dance and switch partners until the right one can close the dance at the end of the song with the "big finish." 

I imagine the frustration and exhaustion when you find--partner after partner--that the "big finish" has eluded you once more. Now you don't even want to run through the routine. Boy meets girl--I know how this goes...You'll ask me to dinner, we hang out and get to know each other, but let's cut to the chase. Either you think I can be the one or not. If you aren't sure and don't think you can be sure, keep it moving! OR, if a guy shows you the list bit of interest you agonize over whether he really likes you and where it could possibly go. Either way, we are no longer keeping time with the music. We are trying to rush through the dance to see if we will finally be dipped. The fact still remains that no matter how fast or slow we dance, when the music comes to it's final chord the big dip will either happen or it won't. You still have to wait for the dip in the end because it does not look as good in the middle of a song. Have you ever heard of a premature dip? Can you imagine how awkward that would be? Where do you go from there? The dip comes at the end of a song allowing you to begin a new one. And if the right partner dips you, he will be there ready to move step by step with you through the next song. 

So I suggest to you, my reader, to wait on the right partner. One whose arms will hold you tight enough to keep you close, but loose enough to let you move. One who will know the steps and won't trip you up. And one who knows the right time and the right way to dip you!

Something Borrowed....

I borrowed you and didn't even know it
You're on loan and I only found that out when I realized the abuse
I took you for granted,thought I wined and dined you. Gave you what you wanted
Everyone else was bent on no,so  I found ways anytime I wanted to give you Yes
I looked at you with my eyes and was satisfied, 
what people said rolled off as smooth as the butter in the grits for your morning breakfast
Or like the whippedcream on your espresso
Words, I ate those , even the ones that were hard to swallow

oh ....those actually became easier to eat after time passed and almost as sweet when you do the math

More sweet can mask the sour 
BUT like a book that's borrowed beyond the appointed time becomes worn and weak, it no longer looks like the item you borrowed, 
So......you,my gift are beginning to look like that once treasured toy 3days after Christmas, beaten 2nd rate and out of mind
You are me....
Every entity .....the soul
I have windows for eyes, i behold everything,where are the shades when you need em?!
and Hands heavy as lead w/ a scarlet stain that started with the cross, thank God for the sanitizer that is called redemption
Got memories for ears....help me hear YOU not the replay
Got a shredder for a mouth, God....what a mighty tool.
Got will made of a stockyard metal...it's hard to move....
Restore my soul...
I borrowed ME and I want to return me to YOU richer than that man with the buried treasure.
Open me and be pleased Lord.Pleased with me.
I am not my own ....Lord Help me to take care of me.