DIS-CON-TENT...

The idolatry of it all...

Put me in a dark room not able to see my hand in front of my face and I could still point to it with my heart .It's so thick, it distracts me from the danger around me and I crave it more than safety .Discontentment.

discon·tentment n.

. Absence of contentment; dissatisfaction.

. A restless longing for better circumstances

I remember sitting in the middle of my bed and thinking about everything in my life in its entirety and feeling so over whelmed and confused all at the same time, like all of my thoughts had been thrown into a juicer called my brain.

I wanted to cry out to God and be like; "Please fix (blank)”,"please help me with my (blank)", God deliver me from (blank) because (blank) is making me coo-coo."  I didn't know what to call it! I was trying to identify what it was.

Anger? Jealousy? Boredom? Depression? Hunger? Lol....God what is this? Tell me what to call it so that I know what you're fixing. Right? I mean the doctor doesn't give you a prescription if you can’t tell him what’s wrong, where does it hurt so he can prescribe something for the dis-ease? What is this so I can be healed?

I mean I wasn't trying to do God's job for Him, not that He needed MY help to tell me what was wrong with me. I just wanted to know what it was as well. If I remember correctly we hadn't, (which really means ME) been speaking regularly. So anyway, I cried out of desperation because I had been feeling so weird. I wanted to move but was stuck, when I moved it did nothing. When I stayed still I felt like I was in whirlwind.

Then I had a dream….and God told me it was “discontentment”. I was like …discontentment? Hmmm where’s that in the bible? You ever have those moments where you feel like you've just gone on and diagnosed yourself? Like you’re that deep and this is all because you watch Iyanla or Oprah the night before or read a devotional that used the same word?Oh...that's just me ..Ok lol. I looked up the definition and I knew it was God.

I was not satisfied. Couldn't sit still. Every green light felt like it was painted with red and I had to stop before I even started. I wanted more from life right then and there but WHAT!? God said:" you're dissatisfied”. He didn’t say you’re being stagnant or complacent but you’re busy being dissatisfied.

An aha moment! Ok God, so what now? Is it because I was single, saved, young and knee deep in ministry?

Was I seeing the full cup as half empty? Having a jaded view of life because lack was louder somewhere? Yes…I wanted to be unavailable. I wanted to stop feeling so yanked. It had caused me to feel devalued and empty. So instead of doing things that were valuable I was just drifting sort of zombie like and ended up back home in my bed full of thoughts and self pity because I wasn't locked into what God wanted or at least it was taking me too long to get there. So my next step was. Lord ease the discontentment.

What does discontentment cause? Idolatry.How are they connected?

Lord why am I STILL single ? Why am I not here or there? Is it my turn yet? Like God has a gym glass basketball team and all of the better athletes have already been picked while you’re still waiting counting all the reasons why you feel like you’re the least. (This only works if you've been there lol…last one picked in gym class).

It was like Israel around the time before Saul and David, they had been asking for a King, as if God wasn't good enough. The lack becomes the idol. They wanted a King so bad that the WANT took the majority.

I run into a lot of women in our generation that have the pressure of relationship on the brain. God when? God why her? God....um it's past the time I intended on waiting. So much so that that desire becomes an idol. God may be blessing all that's around you but you're blinded by the discontentment ,and all that you is where you ARE and where YOU want you to be instead of what God is doing or WANTS to do because you're distracted right there in the moment.

I've never really seen someone thrilled to take a test. I've seen people get up and leave during the test or before it's done because they've given up or were ill prepared. I've seen people who talk and grunt to themselves the entire test. There is something to say about what you're feeling now that has an "other" side to it. A side that will teach you about the wait and how discontentment is a distraction.DIS-TRACK, it’s made to take you off track and miss the focal point of it all.I just know that NOW that I know what it is,I can recognize it again.I had to redirect and refocus.Being intentional about steps and not making excuses for what seems like lack of resources or environmental shifts.A lot of words to say...pass this test.There's purpose in it.

-Ke

"..because I'm scared"

            He enters the train and says "I am an angel of the Lord”. I look up from my game of Candy crush to see a man I've seen before. I recognized his West Indian accent laced with words of scriptures, judgment, wit, and yet obedience. 

Have you ever noticed how people react to the gospel being preached in public? There’s this weirdness….like all of a sudden everyone is antsy. No one makes direct eye contact and if they do, there’s a bit of a sarcastic eye roll. Then you have the Christian listeners who either nod in agreement so he doesn't include them in the sea of other sinners not listening lol , or try to blend in with everyone else sipping their coffee nervously. Some push their ear plugs deeper into their ears as if God doesn't know our heart, but strangely enough it’s like they can still hear the words over the music .Disclaimer: I’m talking about the REAL gospel, NOT the words of an angry man or drunken woman .You know the difference.

Don’t you just love God? I’m not saying that EVERYONE who preaches in the subway is sound, but this man, seemed to be a God send.

So he goes on about how our bodies are NOT our own and how unlike animals we have to give an account. He goes on about the realities of Hell and how hell is a real place. He made his way through the cart with his tattered bible and Jesus fitted cap smiling and delighted about sharing he gospel. I studied the woman next to me who was all fidgety and kept looking down at her phone. It’s like as soon as someone hears the name Jesus something happens...just like His word says.” At the mention of His name…”

So now it’s time for me to exit the train and go about my day and I wondered about the man and the message he had and how and if a soul in that train cart had somehow connected ,and quickly interrupting   my thought “ tsk …religion ….fear based” a woman sternly says to her friend as she exits the train.

That stuck with me.

“Religion …fear based” now, we can get into the truth that RELIGION is fear based but relationship is LOVE based….and what starts out as religion with law and order turns into relationship when we dig deeper and fall in Love with the God of the universe when are hearts are turned and all of a sudden we desire to please Him and live for Him above all. So why did her statement stand out? How much of our reason for our chastity fear based?

I don’t want a disease, I don’t want to get pregnant, I don’t want to be ashamed, I want everyone to know I’m a virgin and that’s what a young lady should be. I don’t want to be like her. What will my parents say? What would the church say?

Do you know what happens when that’s your sole reason for withholding? You don’t hold on. It’s so interesting that the people, who fear man most, fall the hardest. The fear of judgment begins not to matter anymore because you realized that you've based your sole purpose of staying on course on the options and expectations of man. SO you giving in to temptation because of curiosity or the realization that you’re human and being horny does not make you wrong but human, becomes anchor that sometimes drops down in the middle of no where.

At what point does you purity (mind, body, and soul) become MORE than religion, but relationship?

How much have you said no, not in fear of crotch rot but grieving God? Not in fear of people, but the truth that like a child who’s run away from home, your distance would hurt the God you serve.

Don’t get me wrong, FEAR is real. We know in scripture that it clearly states it is NOT of God. There’s the fear of reverence, that is very appropriate for this conversation, and then there’s the fear attached to punishment, superstition and/or tradition.

Which one are you allowing to make you whole?

I do fear God, I’m not going to lie that I know I’m but a breath and at any moment He could decide that Keoka’s time is DONE...”LIGHTS OUT BOO!” .lol. Im VERY aware of that reality and can positively say with no eloquent theological terms that ,that fear is true. However when I REALLY fell in love with the Lord the first go round, I was all in! Then when I fell in LOVE with my fiancé, I was and am STILL all in but I realized that what kept in regard to rules or religion when I first found out about dating and courtship is not in tandem with my love for the Lord making me understand a WHOLE lot more about being WHOLE.

What do they see when they look at us?Fear?When you look at you relationship with God and WHY you continue to hold on...by a thread or a rope(I KNOW it's tough) what is keeping your grip? Are you scared of the eyes that be or have you really gone past religion and said,” FATHER I'm all in because I love you not just because of consequences and people. Keep me even when I don't want to be kept"

Bag Lady..."Yo she got issues"

NYC!
Oh I love this place!
I love(insert slight sarcasm here) to be on the train sharing personal space and yawns wreaking of breakfast ,lunch,dinner or that evening snack..but no wait...the best are the conversations between men.Am I really eaves dropping if you're loud enough for the whole cart to hear?Right....
So as they start this spiel about how this b***h is this ,and she's that."Yo she's crazy man" ,"Yo she got issues".It sparks something in me that's not even anger ...but pity!Yes pity for the men WE are waiting for.Though they are complete strangers in this case,they represent someones something.
We make grocery lists of what we must find in THEM wherever we are.Instead( hear me out ) we may need to make a "to do list" ,a spring cleaning list.Not for home,but for our lives.
So I think about how Erykah Badu wrote this amazing song and  it sang the reality of the dilemma of many,many women today:

Bag lady, you gon' hurt your back
Draggin' all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gon' get in your way
One day all them bags gon' get in your way
I said one day all them bags gon' get in your way
One day all them bags gon' get in your way
So pack light

"One daaaay all them baaaaags gon' get in your way".Yea..what are you carrying?

What's in your bag?As Christian women ,we believe  and are raised to believe we are the creme of the crop,some what true.We are holy ghost filled,fire baptized, tongue speaking,shouting shoe wearing,Sunday fine ,clean and ANY man should be pleased to have us.Eh.... 

What's in your bag?

Are past relationships STILL so apparent and prevalent in your speech?Are you STILL so on guard because of the faults of another man that wounded you?Are you SO guarded that the real you is 10 months,5 days and 33 secs away from the "Hello" that a potential man built up the courage to say to you?Are you TOO eager?Are you just lazy?Are you needy?Are you self centered?

We have to ask ourselves as we wait ,if we are a delay.I'm not saying let your guards down ,I'm not saying,date the man who "only mama can love"(you know who I'm talking about) he's the last ONE standing and still single and everybody has told you or another woman to give him a try lol.

No.....are your bags in the way?

I had my own bag.In that bag is a messy wallet.Some have bags some have big old busted seamed wallets as bags, lol. Whatever your case or bag is called or looks like is all on you.I 'm sitting thinking about taking it a step further and digging deep.A receipt is a record of  a purchase.A HA! (we will get into that another time).Record keeping will get you nowhere ,and if it gets you where you want ,the person who you're with may have developed a hearing problem or desensitization for the issues you have. Don't be tolerated ,be celebrated.

What are you keeping a record of and holding the next person accountable for?You cant walk into Walmart with a Target receipt .It's not valid,you've just walked into a new place ,with similar merchandise but under different management.It may look the same but it's not and if you keep running into the same things and want a return for the same problems,it's not the item it's you.I digress.

My first REAL relationship showed me my fannie pack of issues I rocked on my hip.

Insecurity, "am I pretty enough"? Society has interrupted the growth of health self esteem and now I'm stuck giving him random questionnaires about the outer me ...lol Not to say that men aren't there to help affirm.Come on we don't get dressed up for other woman..lol.

Self sufficiency, I was raised by STRONG women. Independent ,raised by single mom ,street savvy,articulate and witty women.I can open my own doors and pay my own bills,and I rarely cry.If you portray a person who needs no help,you make it incredibly hard for someone to extend their hand.

This is a lot.I wonder where we stand?

The men on the train sparked all of these thoughts but ,my interactions with other women and knowledge of myself make me wonder what we give them to work with.

God is a healer and restorer,we know this.

What are you carrying ?

#imjustsayin

I Stopped Playing House in the Second Grade...

Cuffing Season is here.... Enough said.




Not really….



The concept behind Cuffing Season makes sense to me.  I mean one becomes a lonelier number at home by his or herself on a cold winters day. It's nice to have someone to ignite the passion of "love" that warms one from within while the temperature outside steadily declines. But is it real??? Or will it fade like the snow upon Spring's arrival?

I personally joke about it with my friends as I play with the idea of returning some of the advances made by members of the opposite sex. The notion of a "boo-thing" for the colder months is pretty enticing to say the least. Even so, I don't want what may start out as innocent flirtations to end up as a heartbreak. As the leaves change and begin to fall, I am trying to maintain my resolve not to fall into a seasonal relationship. It doesn't exactly help that the phone keeps buzzing. It also doesn't exactly help that I enjoy having company over when watching movies. And it certainly doesn't help that the only television that I have is in my bedroom. Yet, what's a girl to do on a Saturday night when she wants to watch a movie and her male friend is available to come over? Okay there are plenty of things I could do instead, but they don't seem as fun in the moment as option #1. But while my intentions may be on the up and up, it's impossible for me to truly account for those of anyone else. 

I remember playing house as a kid. I also vividly remember sharing an undesired, unprovoked kiss with  a boy in my class because of it. Oh, in retrospect, part of me-a small part of me- considers it innocent. I gather that he was just mimicking the activities of a husband and wife. Oh but the seven year old me was unforgiving! That was not what I signed up for when I decided to be the PRETEND Mrs. And so, I wonder what would I be signing up for today if I decide to be cuffed? And would twenty-something year old me be any more forgiving, if something unexpected happens before its time with someone possibly undeserving? If the role is taken too far, how long before I truly forgive myself?


Too deep? Possibly.

Or perhaps not deep enough.

I can't let the cooler months catch me in hibernation mode. A Lady in Waiting needs a watchful eye, common sense, and a whole lot of PRAYER!

A Bad Case of Forget-Me-Nots

Sigh! Have you ever tried to forget something, but in your attempt to forget you actually end up  reinforcing the memory? Or better yet, have you ever had random memories pop up as sudden as a hiccup? They can be totally unexpected, sometimes startling, and often times hard to shake. Now sometimes you have those really good memories that force the corners of your mouth to turn up as you allow thoughts of the past to envelop your senses. And then you have those memories that make you physically shake your head as if that will force your mind to empty out all thoughts and images of what once was. Eh! I've had my share of both, but it's odd how certain events in life can be strong that no matter how much time has passed, a brief reminder can bring your right back to that moment- sort of like gravity or a crazy magnetic pull. 

Memories tied to romantic relationships tend to do that, and I am realizing this even more clearly post boyfriend #1. While I believe our separation was in our best interest, it's crazy how my mind sometimes goes back to what was, and reminiscing can be dangerous at times. I mean memories do not simply play out the facts of what happened, but they can stir up feelings and emotions that relate to that point in time. Memories and feelings cannot be boxed up and thrown away the same way that we box up old cards, varsity jackets, and teddy bears. 

There is this song called "Curious" by Andy Mineo that came out this year, and I fell in love with the work of this artist because I feel that a lot of his music could be the soundtrack to my life. I enjoy this particular song because it first reminded me that I am:

A). Not alone
B). Not crazy
C). Human
D). Still not crazy

Even still how do I cure myself of these thoughts? Do I hold my breath? Scare myself? When I change my focus, I feel that they are gone. However, when I least expect it, there they go again. Inside jokes...  Hugs... Kisses.... Why did we break up again? Hiccup! 

It's not that I want to forget, I just don't want to remember so well- maybe exercise the kind of selective memory that will help me maintain a balanced perspective. I feel that it is important to remember what my relationship taught me, but I cannot dwell on the past. The good mixed with the not-so-good times helped develop me in ways, and I appreciate the lessons. Nevertheless, I have to move on and actually apply the lessons learned to my life. I realize from all of this that if we really take time to consider how much of an impact our memories have on our future peace of mind, maybe we would think twice about what we do and who we do it with. 

"It takes a moment to make memories-a lifetime to forget them..."
 -Andy Mineo

"You're It!"

So, I'm old fashioned. I think the guy should do the pursuing, but I'm also a woman of the 21st century where there seems to be a limited stock of the "marrying type." So before they go on back order, a girl has got to put her bid in, right? Wrong! Wrong? I'm still trying to figure out how all of this works. My faith is supposed to be in God, and I just need to be patient... There is no lack in His kingdom and what He has for me is for me. Please and Thank You! 

Nevertheless, there is still something to be figured out in the male- female hetero cycle. Who really makes the first move? I've always thought the male is supposed to make the first move (but "Pirannah-girls" are infamous for hunting a man down in a hot second). Nevertheless, I was enlightened by my Pastor, whom I have had an opportunity to observe both in ministry and his home life. He is an awesome man of God, one whom I look up to and respect.  Go figure, he shared with the congregation in a sermon that females indirectly make the first move- subtle hints related to disposition, eye contact, or presentation either encourage or discourage the male counterpart to approach. This makes me wonder what signals I'm sending out and why aren't the "right" ones picking them up? So I bounced some things off of a male friend. ::Side Bar: Every girl should have a man in their life who can give then valuable insight to how the opposite sex views things.::

Now he and I don't agree on everything but he understands my value system and what I am waiting for. He actually thinks girls should be more aggressive. I, on the other hand, think girls are a little too aggressive these days and men are actually becoming a bit lazy in relationships because girls don't require them to put any effort forth. Yes, they have a lot of options, but it doesn't mean we have to lower our standards or do all the "work" for them. I believe a guy will pursue who and what he really 
wants (regardless of timidity, status, language barriers, etc). What we have been known to do as women, lately, is tell them what they want, and what they want -or at least could want one day-is us. And most of them go along with it until they discover for themselves what they truly want. But what do I know?

Even still, I have reworked some things in my head and I find myself being more proactive in my subtle/indirect first moves. Could it be like a game if TAG?

Imagine a little girl wanting to start a game of tag. She goes up to the little boy, slaps his arm, and says, "Tag, Your It-Now Chase Me." The little boy says, okay because he appreciates the challenge. They run and run but the girl eludes him until she is tired, and no longer desires to outrun him. She surrenders-"Okay you caught me." He realizes, "Hey, I won..." What did he win? A "good thing"-a 
wife! But he didn't get to the chase, and the ensuing win until the girl told him its okay to chase me. 

She didn't say, "Here I am- TAKE ME!"

But she wasn't hidden behind some brick wall or sitting upon some unreachable pedestal. She was near enough to touch but distant enough to pursue. I get the sense that a man feels more accomplished and more invested in a romantic relationship because he had to work for it; therefore, he is more inclined to work to maintain it. The woman in that situation feels valued and desired because he pursued her. In thinking of it this way, I am putting on my sneaks to be a little more active or should I say proactive in this game of Tag. I guess all I would need to know Lord is... 

Who's it? 

Making the Band...

Have you ever been to a parade?

Me , personally...I can live without the crowds.New York is all about space invasion and I don't mean galaxy's , I mean MY space.

I digress....parades are LOUD and amazing and every single entity plays a part.The instruments play their part.The trumpet,the drums,the horns,the cymbals...oh Lord the Cymbals.Everyone has their note and if not played properly the whole band is out of wack, and instead of a sound of ONE , there's just NOISE.No fluidity,no purpose,just one note trying to find it's way back in line. Ok so before the parade,there was practice,before practice there was an audition,before the audition, there was a single soul with an instrument .

Let's talk about the band...

I was laying on my aunts couch in Virginia, having a "moment" .Yea you know ....the times you only bring up in mixed girl company after a couple of people have shared their WAY WORSE "struggles" with the "H" word.Yea I was horny and guess what?My boyfriend wasn't far.DANGER!

And what halts an "H" moment? Scripture.

Like ok God..."thy word have I hidden in my heart so that I might not sin against you"(Psalm 119: 11)...it's REAL!My stinkin' heart had scripture in it. Lol ...no seriously.His word rose up in me.

I lay there and I heard "....do not offer the members of your body as instruments of wickedness" (Rom 6:13 ).

Like plain as day,I heard Him.

Was I still horny?Yes.Was there a big cloud that came around me and whisked me away from it ?No.

All I could think of was "making the band".

Ever saw that show?Well it was a short lived few season show of a bunch of random people with great talent that had to come together and had to function as one.Differences ,struggles,likes dislikes and all.The purpose through tests,trials and differences and all else ,a band.A successful unit.

No one logically chooses a broken instrument; a bent trombone or some ranky drum with a hole in it to lead the band,nor some screechy voice chick with no rhythm.

Why?It wont make the right sound.It's whole being and purpose was to make a distinct sound when played,when chosen.

I and my body parts,are one instrument. Every time I have decided to go out side of the singular reason God created this body and use it for something else. I made the wrong sound.

I was off beat.

I was instantly convicted.Was I having sex ?No, but so what?!

I heard God ,and we ALWAYS have a choice.Ever wonder why God doesn't handicap your God given hormones  before your married?The things you go through are a test and you are tried with the purpose of being made into what He desires.It's purpose is not to ruin or cause the female version of blue balls ,but the fruits of the spirit.

What sound will you make?What sounds are you making?What does it echo into the ears of God?

I don't know if you can identify, but at that moment in time I was reminded that my body wasn't my own.

Will I ever be horny again?Duh!

Just to throw a wrench out there sometimes the perfectly fine looking instruments make weird sounds too.You could look just like that fig tree Jesus ran up on and then cursed because it had no fruit.It looked the part but had no fruit.I'd like to say it was pretending.

Ah!It will cost you !Please remember the decision you make will cost you something.

Wait.

"Dip Me, Please!"

Who doesn't look forward to the big finish of a dance? Whether you watch "America's Best Dance Crew" or "So You Think You Can Dance," you wait to see how the routines will follow through from beginning to end. If the performers end by falling flat on their face, the judges will often times brutally share their criticism. On the flip side, a strong ending could save a somewhat flat performance. Despite the outcome we enjoy watching the movement and anticipate the ending. As kids, we pretend to be fabulous ballroom dancers. Tango music comes on and we steal one of mom's tulips, stick it in our mouth considering it a suitable substitute for a rose. We then, grab a partner and begin to dance. We may have never taken one formal class, but we've seen enough old movies, television shows to know what a Tango looks like. And then the music prepares to end. Time for the big finish! "Dip me, please!"

After moving to the same ol' song and dance of life, many of us are waiting for the big finish--especially when it comes to relationships. Romantic relationships. Boy meet girl. Hand on shoulder, one on waist. Boy asks girl out. One, two. three...one two three. Girl and Boy enjoy each other's company. Spin and turn. Boy and Girl disagree. Come together and separate. Boy and Girl break up. They change partners and begin the dance again. A few moves may be added for flair, but the basic choreography is the same. We will dance and switch partners until the right one can close the dance at the end of the song with the "big finish." 

I imagine the frustration and exhaustion when you find--partner after partner--that the "big finish" has eluded you once more. Now you don't even want to run through the routine. Boy meets girl--I know how this goes...You'll ask me to dinner, we hang out and get to know each other, but let's cut to the chase. Either you think I can be the one or not. If you aren't sure and don't think you can be sure, keep it moving! OR, if a guy shows you the list bit of interest you agonize over whether he really likes you and where it could possibly go. Either way, we are no longer keeping time with the music. We are trying to rush through the dance to see if we will finally be dipped. The fact still remains that no matter how fast or slow we dance, when the music comes to it's final chord the big dip will either happen or it won't. You still have to wait for the dip in the end because it does not look as good in the middle of a song. Have you ever heard of a premature dip? Can you imagine how awkward that would be? Where do you go from there? The dip comes at the end of a song allowing you to begin a new one. And if the right partner dips you, he will be there ready to move step by step with you through the next song. 

So I suggest to you, my reader, to wait on the right partner. One whose arms will hold you tight enough to keep you close, but loose enough to let you move. One who will know the steps and won't trip you up. And one who knows the right time and the right way to dip you!