DIS-CON-TENT...

The idolatry of it all...

Put me in a dark room not able to see my hand in front of my face and I could still point to it with my heart .It's so thick, it distracts me from the danger around me and I crave it more than safety .Discontentment.

discon·tentment n.

. Absence of contentment; dissatisfaction.

. A restless longing for better circumstances

I remember sitting in the middle of my bed and thinking about everything in my life in its entirety and feeling so over whelmed and confused all at the same time, like all of my thoughts had been thrown into a juicer called my brain.

I wanted to cry out to God and be like; "Please fix (blank)”,"please help me with my (blank)", God deliver me from (blank) because (blank) is making me coo-coo."  I didn't know what to call it! I was trying to identify what it was.

Anger? Jealousy? Boredom? Depression? Hunger? Lol....God what is this? Tell me what to call it so that I know what you're fixing. Right? I mean the doctor doesn't give you a prescription if you can’t tell him what’s wrong, where does it hurt so he can prescribe something for the dis-ease? What is this so I can be healed?

I mean I wasn't trying to do God's job for Him, not that He needed MY help to tell me what was wrong with me. I just wanted to know what it was as well. If I remember correctly we hadn't, (which really means ME) been speaking regularly. So anyway, I cried out of desperation because I had been feeling so weird. I wanted to move but was stuck, when I moved it did nothing. When I stayed still I felt like I was in whirlwind.

Then I had a dream….and God told me it was “discontentment”. I was like …discontentment? Hmmm where’s that in the bible? You ever have those moments where you feel like you've just gone on and diagnosed yourself? Like you’re that deep and this is all because you watch Iyanla or Oprah the night before or read a devotional that used the same word?Oh...that's just me ..Ok lol. I looked up the definition and I knew it was God.

I was not satisfied. Couldn't sit still. Every green light felt like it was painted with red and I had to stop before I even started. I wanted more from life right then and there but WHAT!? God said:" you're dissatisfied”. He didn’t say you’re being stagnant or complacent but you’re busy being dissatisfied.

An aha moment! Ok God, so what now? Is it because I was single, saved, young and knee deep in ministry?

Was I seeing the full cup as half empty? Having a jaded view of life because lack was louder somewhere? Yes…I wanted to be unavailable. I wanted to stop feeling so yanked. It had caused me to feel devalued and empty. So instead of doing things that were valuable I was just drifting sort of zombie like and ended up back home in my bed full of thoughts and self pity because I wasn't locked into what God wanted or at least it was taking me too long to get there. So my next step was. Lord ease the discontentment.

What does discontentment cause? Idolatry.How are they connected?

Lord why am I STILL single ? Why am I not here or there? Is it my turn yet? Like God has a gym glass basketball team and all of the better athletes have already been picked while you’re still waiting counting all the reasons why you feel like you’re the least. (This only works if you've been there lol…last one picked in gym class).

It was like Israel around the time before Saul and David, they had been asking for a King, as if God wasn't good enough. The lack becomes the idol. They wanted a King so bad that the WANT took the majority.

I run into a lot of women in our generation that have the pressure of relationship on the brain. God when? God why her? God....um it's past the time I intended on waiting. So much so that that desire becomes an idol. God may be blessing all that's around you but you're blinded by the discontentment ,and all that you is where you ARE and where YOU want you to be instead of what God is doing or WANTS to do because you're distracted right there in the moment.

I've never really seen someone thrilled to take a test. I've seen people get up and leave during the test or before it's done because they've given up or were ill prepared. I've seen people who talk and grunt to themselves the entire test. There is something to say about what you're feeling now that has an "other" side to it. A side that will teach you about the wait and how discontentment is a distraction.DIS-TRACK, it’s made to take you off track and miss the focal point of it all.I just know that NOW that I know what it is,I can recognize it again.I had to redirect and refocus.Being intentional about steps and not making excuses for what seems like lack of resources or environmental shifts.A lot of words to say...pass this test.There's purpose in it.

-Ke